wonder what my worries were back then, the final day of school, when everyone would either start university or go live new adventures in the big world after summer was over. I've had my fair share of worries over the passed few years. the biggest one, the one that will never really go away, must be the fear of not being someone. now, there are many way of interpreting that, I'm sure; just in a simple human way, or someone followed by people and looked up upon. I'm not sure with one I would aim at, maybe somewhere in the middle. 

 

I've always loved standing on the stage, and with that I really mean  l o v e d  it. the feeling of being able to move someone's heart gave such an adrenaline rush, like nothing else. I was surrounded by people who had the same passion, who I could create magic with, who I could create some kind of melody with. it's all gone now.

 

for the past 4 years, I haven't felt the same once. it almost makes me cry when I think about it. in school, I felt like I  w a s  someone, I felt like we were capable of doing basically anything together. but you always part, the people you created a melody with has moved on to the next big step in life. I feel, and have felt lost for 4 years now. I have a hard time even humming if there is someone in the same room with me nowadays.

 

I miss it. I miss it so damn much. even though I know I've grown as a person in so many good ways, I feel like I've shrunk in many others. if I stood on a stage now, I would feel small, when I used to feel like I could take up space. I've met so many talented people along the way, that I feel like nothing in comparison. I've met people that has made me feel so good about myself, but also people has in some way managed to stomp on my confidence with all their unintentional might. it's been such a rollercoaster for the past year, emotions going up and down, up and down. 

 

I need to try, I need to get back up on my feet. there are so many things I've felt like I've wanted to do recently; sing, take pictures, work out, do yoga, cook food, things that sorta requiers money in general. but then there's that ounce of motivation that I have to find somewhere as well.

 

everything get better in the end, and if it haven't gotten better, then it's not the end. someone said that, and I guess it's true.