ibland grubblar jag över var mitt berättande tog vägen.

 

när jag var yngre så fanns Arona. hon gjorde bokstavligt talat det jag ville göra, sögs in i Tolkiens värld och ändrade på sitt sätt händelseförloppet, även om det fortfarande var samma historia. sedan kom Gwen, som på sitt sätt blev ett utlopp för all min frustration kring kärlek och förälskelser. men för henne blev slutet gott, vilket också gjorde mig hoppfull. historierna gick över till kpop-artister, mynnade sedan ut i bloggande, tills det till slut bara rann ut i sanden.

 

fyra år har gått sedan jag sist skrev något här. f y r a. under dessa fyra åren har jag lämnat och besökt korea ett x antal gånger, men ändå släppt mitt ankare i Göteborg. jag har en kandidat i engelska under armen, och otaligt många notblad för stämsång. jag vet äntligen att det inte har varit något fel med mig bara för att jag inte känner sexuell attraktion, och börjar peu à peu utforska vad känslor för någon har för påverkan på min själ och kropp. så varför kan jag inte för mitt liv bara sätta mig ner och lätta mitt hjärta såsom jag brukade göra.

 

jag gömmer mig nog bakom bortförklaringen att jag alltid har möjligheten,

vilket gör risken större att det aldrig kommer bli av.

 

ändå så känns allting så familjärt med att öppna denna sida, skapa ett nytt inlägg, skriva samman en textrad från en sång jag har i skallen plus ; -, och bara bruka gemener i resten av texten. det är så jag alltid har gjort, sen första inlägget. jag bestämde mig då, som sjuttonåring, att det är såhär jag vill berätta. sjukt konsekvent (lite inkonsekvent första månaden). 

 

jag har alltid sett mig själv som en väldigt öppen person. jag döljer inte min identitet online, även om min mamma och resten av världen rekommenderar det. jag är oftast lite för godtrogen, även om jag är rätt "street smart". jag tror att jag släpper andra nära inpå. 

 

men nog har jag allt blivit mer privat med åren. en person som jag tycker väldigt mycket om kallade mig mystisk häromveckan, och jag kunde inte annat än att hålla med. jag framstår nog som mystisk för att jag inte vågar berätta, inte vågar använda den fantastin som jag tror mig ha besuttit. jag intalade mig att körsången funkade som substitut, och även om det har läkt andra sår så är det nog min rädsla för att skriva som bidragit till denna känsla av tomhet som i sin tur misstagits för mystik. 

 

så det kanske är dags att bara kasta sig ut, utan en tanke på vem som ser.

låt mig sova på saken.

 

 

a new month

and a new start I guess.

 

I'm moving back to korea in 2 weeks, and even though it's only for 3 months this time, it still feels exciting. it's going to be nice coming back to a city I love, meeting people I love, hopefully doing things I love. what also I new is that I'm going to blog somewhere else for a while. I've gotten my own page on hallyu.se and I'm going to write about living my life in korea. it's going to be in swedish this time around. I might pop in here once in a while to update, but we'll see how it'll end up. this blog will always be my baby though~

  

amazing weekend, amazing people, amazing music. I guess I can summarize this weekend as; amazing.

thursday was spent in caroline's cabin, by a small lake. we just ate good food, snacks, listened to music, enjoyed the clear chilly weather, and played a fun game of cards.

 

I spent friday at linn's apartment with her, sofia, dabbe and sara, having a few drinks before going to the festival area to ride some rollercoasters. I  l o v e  rollercoasters~~.

 

on saturday, my cousin Elin had her "confirmation", which meant going to church for mass, and then to meet the family on my mother's side. it was great seeing them again, and weird at the same time. I still feel like they're small kids, when they're obviously not.

 

and then the evening came. I met up with Anna at her apartment, she had a fancy hairdo made by her friend, before having a nice dinner and wine on her balcony. amaziiiiiing. then we went to the city centre to see magic happen on stage, thanks to Veronica Maggio. the evening was a bit chilly, but I met a lot of people, danced a lot, enjoyed the bright summer night.

 

yesterday, my friends and I made TACO GRATIN at sofia's house, and iT WAS AS DELICIOUS AS I REMEMBER IT. she's got an amazin backyard, just by the river, so we could sit there until the late hours, and talk and talk and talk.

 

 

 

 

 

6 more days until I'm on swedish ground again. I've tried to match lunch and dinner schedules the coming days, and even though it's a bit stressful, I'm looking forward to being up and running around this city that I love. if I haven't made plans with YOU yet, you should tell me, and maybe we'll find time for a coffee sometime, hehe.

 

I never act like it's the last time I'm going to leave here, cause if I know myself correctly, then I'll be back for a trip in a couple of months or so. I think I'll always come back as long as this feeling of being so at home doesn't disappear. I just really long for europe and the swedish summer and family and friends at the moment, so there's honestly not a lot of anxiety lingering in the air. maybe it'll hit me the last minute at the airport next wednesday..

 

every summer there are two big events happening in my hometown; one is 'trästockfestivalen' ('the woodstock festival' directly translated) which is a free event, and the other is 'stadsfesten' ('the city party') and then there's entry fees. I was thinking if I should go or not. but, veronica maggio is playing on saturday so I basically HAVE TO GO. her music makes me so happy, and whenever I feel a bit homesick, I just play her album and dream away. everything about it reminds me of summer. 

 

åååhhh längtar så jag sprickeeeeer.

 

 

so, I had a feeling that I would absolutely love it, but not at all like this. I had seen pictures of white beautiful beaches, and usually pictures lie in some way, but it was exactly like I had pictured it. we spent the whole days by the amazing warm water, having mango drinks and whatnot, feeling the warm breeze, laughing with people we'd just met. 

 

hostel-life is something that'll always fascinate me. 80% of the time it's a good experience. when I went to japan and stayed at a hostel, there weren't really any people I connected with. at this hostel, the atmosphere was so welcoming, and if you got eyecontact you were basically already friends. at night we would all bring our own drinks to the rooftop, chat and sometimes there was karaoke, sometimes drinking games from australia and sometimes just discussions and listening to stories from around the world. it always amazes me how people can be so fearless and free spirited. even though I've moved to the other side of the world myself, I still live in an enviroment that is very safe and known to me. I leave boracay with a lot of memories stored, a lot of new friends I'll always remember, and a new amazing country discovered. 

 

the final destination is boracay island, which I've heard soooooo much about, good things, so I'm excited! our plane arrived late to kalibo last night so we stayed at a hotel nearby that had gotten good reviews. we're probably the only customers, but it's really nice and the staff is super friendly. In about 20 minutes or so we'll head to the bus that'll take us to the cost where we can get a boat to boracay! 

aaaaaahhhh it's so niiiiiiiceeeeeee. 

today is  어버이날  in korea. what is that you ask? if you take the korean word for mother; 어머니, and the korean word for father; 아버지, and the korean word for day; 날, you get; 어버이날. parents' day! pretty logical right?

 

so today is the day when you are supposed to feel grateful toward your parents (though we could do so all the time (but of course it's case by case)) and bring them carnations and flowers and whatnot. sadly, my parents are on the other side of the world, so all I can give to them today are these words;

 

mom, dad, I love you both so much. you've both taught me what's important in life, and I treasure every moment I get to speak to you, hear your voices. you're both happy right now, living your lives with someone you love and loves you, and that makes me happy as well. the fact that you both came to visit me in seoul last year means the world to me, and we'll always share these memories together. mamma, pappa, jag älskar er!

so, blogging every day didn't happen. oh well. yesterday, because I had two free tickets, kim and I headed over to everland amusement park, which is about a 40 minute busride from seoul. I've gone there two times before. both times it's been crowded, so we were a bit afraid it was going to be the case again. much to our delight, it wasn't! maybe it was because it was buddah's birthday, but the longest we waited in line was 30 minutes or so, when I've waited over two hours another time.

 

I looooooove roller coasters, love the feeling you get in your stomach whenever you drop from a high point. thankfully kim does too, so we tried basically everything we could, from the viking to the big t-express, and what I like to call "the spinny thing". there are always seconds of regret though, like when you're going up the steep hill toward the first BIG drop, but all thoughts are suddenly gone in the blink of an eye.

 

the weather was awesome, and when it started to get a bit chilly we turned back toward seoul again. soooooo happy we decided to go!

 

blogging on a daily basis are we now? maybe. hanging out with fiona in garosukil, having coffee and ice choco, looking at people, talking about life. just the Saturday afternoon I'm in need of ♥

wow, I haven't written a word for over two weeks, and there are still some great souls out there who checks in every now and then. the last post was a very serious one, so this post will be a little on the bright side~

 

the past few weeks have been a bit heavy, with both illness and stress, but with a start of may comes a new sort of a new start for me as well. I am now more free than I've been the past year. the flight home to sweden leaves on june 18th and I intend to enjoy every minute of korea until then.

 

last weekend, our dear sara came to visit! she's been here a few times now, and she's gotten to know a few of my friends, so it was superfun to get together in a group and for example go for sunday brunch. sara is just one of those people I know I'll have close for the rest of my life, so goodbyes have sort of stopped being tearful, we know we'll see each other again soon anyway.